Ladies, I am holding out my hand. Do you trust me?
I need you to open Google Maps. Locate your nearest mall. Get in your car. Drive to Yankee Candle.
Past the seasonal pumpkin display, near the back of the store, you will find a trash pile Man Candle section. You will see candles called MMM, Bacon!. Riding Mower. Man Town. (I’m not kidding. Man Town.) Stay strong. Not in this section, but likely very near this section, you will find a candle called Mountain Lodge.
Hold this jar in your hands like a talisman. Close your eyes and picture a man.
I want to be clear: I’m not talking about a Hugh Dancy. Or an Andrew Garfield, a Ben Whishaw, even a Tom Hiddleston. This exercise requires someone in the Chris Evans weight class. The Richard Armitage department. Someone with smile lines around his eyes who could chop the cedar for your bower with his own hands, strangle an alpha wolf, carry you home when you sprain your ankle in the woods, bench press your entire body. Picture this man in your mountain home with a full beard, a slightly grimy white henley, a fond half smile he reserves only for you. Now open the lid and smell Mountain Lodge.
Steady yourself on the man candle display. Give yourself a second. No, you’re not wrong. Yes, the Yankee Candle Company has just eliminated the need for men. This medium tumbler Mountain Lodge candle jar is now your boyfriend. The Yankee Candle Company has effectively replaced the need for contact with the male half of our species with a compact and clean-burning candle in a jar.
"Do you like this one?" the cashier asked, ringing me up. "Every man should be required by law to smell like what this candle smells like," I replied intensely. "That’ll be $12.01," she said.
I finally tracked this candle down and now all the ladies in my office are desperately trying to find it because it’s fucking amazing
The blackest bird there ever was. It’s black on the outside from head to toe, and black on the inside with its meat and organs.
It’s called the Ayam Cemani from Indonesia, and they’re $2,500 a pop. Their bones are black, too. The only part of them that’s not black is their blood
I hope the porn blogs following me are learning a lot about social justice
Halloween is right around the corner folks…
Replace with your own answers and then tag 10 people.
I was (kinda) tagged by gunmetalskies
Nickname: I have been known by Sami and my full name, Samantha, when I was younger. A professor at bible college once called me George…
Birthday: July 4th
Sexuality: Probably straight - in a straight, monogamous marriage
Height: 5’3” maybe?
Time zone: EST
What time and date is it there: 1.03 - 9/14/2014
Average hours of sleep I get a night: Maybe 5ish?
Last thing I googled was: I think I was using the reverse image search to find the original designer of a jewelry piece.
Most used phrase(s): ”Shut up, Ethan” and “Stop being a butt, Ethan” are probably at the top of the list.
First word that comes to mind: Laundry - I have laundry guilt.
What I last said to a family member: "Ethan, what are some of my most used phrases?"
One place that makes me happy and why: I like being on UC’s campus. I transferred there after bible college and had some really enjoyable and formative experiences there.
How many blankets do I sleep under: Lately, two. One ratty old comforter of Ethans and a super-soft fleecy thing from my older half-sister. I am a burrow-er.
Favorite beverage(s): Dr. Pepper, Dark &Stormies, and Jack Daniels Honey Whiskey in vanilla coke.
Last movie I watched in the cinema: Guardians of the Galaxy - it was cute and funny, but needed more Ladies and fewer romance tropes.
Three things I can’t live without: Companionship (I’m a hardcore extrovert), some form of vision correction, and audiobooks.
A piece of advice to all my followers: Trust yourself.
You all have to listen to this song: I like this one.
I tag: Any of my followers who are interested?
oftentimes women might smile at cat-callers out of nervousness or pure fear because they know that if they react negatively that guy could get way scarier and even violent
it’s not a “wow i’m so flattered” smile it’s literally a “please don’t follow me home and murder me after this” smile
My Least Favorite Trope (and this post will include spoilers for The Lego Movie, Guardians of the Galaxy, The Matrix, Western Civilization, and—cod help me—Bulletproof Monk*.) is the thing where there’s an awesome, smart, wonderful, powerful female character who by all rights ought to be the Chosen One and the hero of the movie, who is tasked with taking care of some generally ineffectual male character who is, for reasons of wish fulfillment, actually the person the film focuses on. She mentors him, she teaches him, and she inevitably becomes his girlfriend… and he gets the job she wanted: he gets to be the Chosen One even though she’s obviously far more qualified. And all he has to do to get it and deserve it is Man Up and Take Responsibility.
And that’s it. Every god-damned time. The mere fact of naming the films above and naming the trope gives away the entire plot and character arc of every single movie.
The anthropologists decided that this tribe was to remain “uncontacted”.
This is one of the best things iv seen today
I was chilling in my village, eating and talking with my bros
then this huge-ass roaring bird thing came above me.
Shit got me heated
see us next time for another episode of The X-files